Oh, Donatella... You So Crazy!

(Ok... So it's not Donatella Versace, but the resemblance is uncanny!)

I have yet to decide what I find most disturbing about this woman, her obvious SIDE SHOW nails or her gold leather pants. Or, perhaps it’s the fact that both are being worn by a woman who looks to be about 103.

Normally I would be a big fan of this particular species of “White Trash,” the kind that is so over the top and unaware, that they actually become fabulous, but can you imagine actually knowing her… being her friend? Can you picture going out for drinks with this woman? Forget about the fact that she’d be knocking shit over left and right, and the high risk of losing an eye every time she reached for her drink, or a fist full of bar snacks, but how could the conversation EVER be about anything else??? Seriously, talk about your elephants in the room. Even if you, as the person with her, could somehow get past the nails, you know nobody else in the place would. It would be a constant barrage of interruptions: “Are those real?”, “Can I touch them?” (GROSS! why would anybody want to), and the one I’m sure she hears the most (each person thinking they were the first to come up with this gem) “Will you scratch my back?”

I guess the truly disturbing thing is that this woman has devoted her life to this. Just think of all the time she has wasted literally watching her nails grow!!! And all the time she must still waste doing the most routine of things: brushing her teeth, writing a check, GOING TO THE BATHROOM, or even putting on gold leather pants. And what about all the simple pleasures she must miss out on: holding hands, running her fingers through the hair of the one she loves, tickling the belly of her grandchildren or… and I’m sorry for going here, but… even masturbating!!!

I only hope that her bizarre notoriety and false sense of accomplishment truly brings her joy, because it seems to me the sacrifices would always outweigh the rewards.